• Beth

The Blame Game

I have heard so many people talk about their problems and who is responsible for them and how awful that person is or was. On Facebook, I can't tell you how many times I have seen posts from people, usually the ones that are the most depressed, blaming others on their problems.


Sometimes it's true, do to the actions of someone else, we suffer. They treat us unfair or hurt us or create the situation we are in. I have had my share of people that make me angry and I get caught up in the situation and anger but only for a short time, usually. I have had a few times where it lasted longer than it should but they are the exceptions.


If we could step back and look at the situation, most of the time we are responsible, at least for the most part. It doesn't mean you deserve the bad but negative situation but we usually did something to be in the situation. If we can look at our life and take responsibility for the things we aren't happy about, we have the power to change them.


By blaming someone or something else, we become the victim and we are stuck facing the consequences.


The same goes with people that hurt us or make us angry. They only triggered something that was already inside of you, they didn't create the feeling.


I remember a few years ago I would find myself in a similar situation that was causing a lot of emotional drama and trauma. It was happening over and over and I realized, the situation was a little different each time and the people involved were different but the feeling I had was the same. When I figured it out, it was in the middle of the same pattern and it was a little wake up call for me.


The strange thing is being aware of the problem didn't stop it and the next time it happened, I knew it was coming but I found myself doing the same thing. It happened again and again, as I was starting the same pattern I knew, here we go again and of course it happened again. I remember thinking, it was the universe or life or whatever you call it, giving me a message and if I didn't figure it out it would keep coming, sometimes being more difficult each time.


Knowing this and even seeing the pattern and going to the same thing again didn't stop me, until it hit me, it was something else that I needed to change or understand. The situation wasn't the problem, it was only something to get my attention but we usually miss it, focusing only on the problem.


Now when something happens, seemingly not as a result of anything I did, I don't get stuck in the problem and react to it, most of the time. Instead I try to think about what I did or didn't do and what could I change. Once I do this and figure it out, the problem goes away.


The important thing is we all do this and it's part of our learning process. If we punish ourselves and get angry, we are stuck in the problem from another perspective and acomplish nothing.


There is another thing that happens when something goes wrong and I am sure most people can relate. It's when something falls apart, you lose a job or a relationship ends and at the time we are devastated. Sometimes we become stuck in that situation and stay angry or resentful and never get over it. Other times, we move on, maybe that job wasn't allowing you to reach your potential or you never liked it anyway. If you can step back and see the door closed because you weren't making the changes on your own, having it done for you gave you the chance to find something better.


What are some examples?


Patterns of bad relationships are so common there are books and workshops and t.v. shows dedicated to help other find true love. When you look at someone who has problems finding a good relationship, they can be beautiful, smart, successful and yet they get hurt over and over.


The partners they pick are different enough, they vow to not let the same thing happen and even change their behavior but it happens again. Everyone says it's not their fault-the friends and the one getting hurt begins to question if there isn't something wrong with them.


This is a perfect example of stepping back and looking at what you are doing and most important, why. Someone may have a belief they don't even realize that they aren't good enough and unconciously are attracted to the person that will reinforce this belief.


Maybe their parents divorced at a young age and the idea of being "left" is mixed with love and therefor, they pick the person that will leave them. Maybe at a young age they had the example of their parents relationship being unhealthy or unstable and they pick a similar situation.


Another common reason is a person is looking for someone to make them happy or loved or feel secure and these emotions are only from inside of us. Looking elsewhere is short term, at best.


Years ago I remember hearing someone say imagine the perfect relationship in detail and you would attract that in your life. I was single and tried that and I imagined the details so well I felt it was already done. I was shocked that instead of feeling happy, I felt panic and realized I didn't want a relationship at that point in my life. Until that moment I didn't know why I seemed to be attracted only to the men that weren't right for me.


The relationship issue is usually a deeper reason but there is always the simple explanation. You aren't going where the people you would be happy with are going. Sometimes it's as simple as that but until you step back and ask yourself why, you would be stuck in the same cycle.



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